Starved for Affection by Randy Carlson

Author:Randy Carlson
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: RELIGION / Christian Life / Love & Marriage, RELIGION / Christian Life / General
ISBN: 9781414359458
Publisher: Tyndale House Publishers
Published: 2015-12-01T00:00:00+00:00

TACKLING THE TOUGH ISSUES

Let’s look at some specific problem areas in many marriages and how the principles of Active Respect can be practically applied.

Irresponsibility or laziness

If you’re married to an irresponsible person, he or she needs a good dose of Active Respect. This, more than anything, will wake her up to the importance of her responsibility in your marriage. Using the principles we’ve already talked about, here are some specific steps to take.

If your spouse is lazy and is not even willing to work on the problem, first seek medical advice to determine whether physical problems or a biochemical condition such as depression could be the cause. If not, move on to Key #1.

Apply Key #1 and focus on present behavior and attitudes. Be careful not to cover up for your spouse and provide an unhealthy hiding place for his or her irresponsibility. Clearly and lovingly state your concerns. Then stop nagging, which is disrespectful and nonbiblical. Make a commitment out loud to your spouse and to yourself that nagging is going to stop. Take responsibility and apologize if you’ve been a nagger and commit to backing off because you respect and want to honor your spouse. I can promise you that this alone will change the dynamic in your relationship.

Apply Key #2 and clearly express your needs, wants, and desires with respect and in a way your spouse is able to understand. Don’t let your expectations exceed reality and create disappointment. For example, if your spouse acts irresponsibly and consistently fails to return phone calls from extended family members, you might say, “Your mother called twice last week and left messages for you on the answering machine, which I mentioned to you both times. After the second call, I called her back because I thought she should hear from us, and she again asked to speak with you but you were at work. In the future, I’d like you to call her back within two days of her calls so she doesn’t worry about you.”

In Galatians 6:1, we read that if a brother is caught in a sin, be careful if you restore him that you don’t fall yourself. This is not a prideful activity where you’re judging your spouse. It’s a decision that you’re in this together and you’re going to change your behavior, clearly express your needs, and expect your spouse to meet them. Then you back off without nagging and hold him or her accountable.

Apply Key #3 and keep the ball on your spouse’s side of the net. Let him wrestle with the realities of his irresponsibility. While you can’t allow bills to go unpaid or children undisciplined or unfed, you can back off and allow your spouse’s irresponsible attitudes and behaviors toward the family or your marriage to catch up with him. If your spouse is unemployed and you have been going through the Sunday newspaper and cutting out job ads, writing letters of application, and mailing his resume out for him while he relaxes in front of the TV, just stop.

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